Rules of Thumb

• A person who wears a fanny pack loves science fiction, and vice versa.
• A person who wears a belt with shorts is probably religious.
• If a person says he enjoys the opera, that person is a liar.
• If the flyer shows the band standing on the railroad tracks, the band is shit.
• If a guy has cords on his sunglasses, he's a dick. If the sunglasses are mirrored, he's probably dangerous.
• All golfers like women.
• If she smokes, she fucks.
• If a person says, "Go look in the sink" - don't.
• You should always steer clear of Martin Luther King Jr. Drive, regardless of the city you are in.
• Ugly travels in packs.
• A drunk fat woman is louder than The Who.
• Nobody cares about the weird dream you had last night.
• You CAN judge a book by its cover.
• If a man says he has a large penis, he has a small penis. If a man says he has a small penis, he has a small penis.
• If you open a shit cafe in a trendy neighborhood, people will line up with money in their hands begging to eat shit.
• People who say, "Whoa, I'm not even going to touch that one!!" can't think of anything clever to say.
• One of the main requirements for being a basketball coach is the ability to act like you just can't fucking believe it.