Things a Man Should Know – The Rules

Via: http://www.esquire.com/tamsk/

My personal favourites:

• Rule No. 64: Old people always have exact change.
• Rule No. 72: Stewardesses from Third World airlines are much more attractive than those from developed nations.
• Rule No. 83: If Bill Gates were good-looking or well dressed, people would like him better.
• Rule No. 88: The slang used by teens in TV dramas is exactly 3.5 years behind actual slang.
• Rule No. 142: When a man turns 23, it's very important he stop using the word party as a verb.
• Rule No. 154: There is nothing that can be marketed that cannot be better marketed using the voice of James Earl Jones.
• Rule No. 187: A sandwich tastes exactly one third better when it's made by someone else.
• Rule No. 192: Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.
• Rule No. 205: If you are a mentally retarded character in a movie, it is imperative that your pants be too short.
• Rule No. 243: When it comes to author photos, hands should be at least eight inches from the face.
• Rule No. 365: Lesbians make the best breakfasts.

About Drinking

• Drinks that give you bad breath: beer, anything sweet, anything with milk.
  Drinks that give you good breath: gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus.
• Never utter the words I and love and you if you've had more than three drinks. If you're a lightweight, make that one drink.
• There is nothing cheeky and clever you can say to a female bartender that she hasn't already heard from some other schmuck before you.

About Business Etiquette

• When you show up for a job interview: Be on time. Definition of "on time": exactly five minutes early, no less, no more.
• After the interview, if you haven't heard back: Wait one week and two days, then call to "check in."
• There is no upside to telling coworkers that they look as if they've lost or gained weight.
• All you need to know about which fork goes where: The cutlery you should be using for each course will be the cutlery farthest from the plate on each side of it during that course. Scientific fact: Nobody is paying the slightest attention to which fork you're using unless you've stuck it into your head.